The Echo Chamber: Why “All Men Are The Same” Isn’t the Answer
The raw pain in a client’s voice as they recount yet another failed relationship, the familiar lament of “Why can’t I find a good man?” or the weary resignation of “All men are the same” – these are echoes I’ve heard countless times in my practice as a Healing and Recovery Practitioner. Sitting across from individuals wrestling with the aftermath of toxic connections, I’m acutely aware of the deep wounds inflicted. I see the confusion in their eyes, the erosion of their self-worth – a story I know intimately from my own past and one that I see repeat in so many of the courageous individuals who seek my support. Like Sarah, who spent years feeling like she was the problem in her relationships, only to realize she was navigating a carefully constructed web of manipulation. Or Emily, who questioned her own sanity after constant gaslighting left her doubting her every perception. These experiences often trace back to early attachment patterns and the environments in which they were formed.
Childhood trauma is more common than we might think. Studies indicate that around two-thirds of adults have experienced at least one Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE). These ACEs can have profound and lasting impacts on adult relationships and well-being. For instance, consider the impact of being raised by parents who, themselves struggling with the fallout of their own difficult pasts, were emotionally cold, inconsistent, and lacked the capacity to provide adequate care. Perhaps they grappled with substance abuse, leaving them unpredictable and unable to offer the security and nurturing a child needs. This kind of environment, where basic emotional needs are unmet and instability reigns, can deeply shape a child’s ability to form healthy attachments and trust in future relationships. As Ramani Durvasula expertly outlines in “It’s Not You,” the insidious nature of narcissistic relationships can leave individuals questioning their own reality and worth. But, what are the warning signs? what traits do toxic people show us subtly from the very first time we interact with them? and why do we not see them clearly? keep reading to find out…
Looking back through the lens of understanding, my childhood was, in psychological terms, a landscape of significant trauma – not the subtle “little t” but the impactful “Big T” stuff. From around the age of two, my world was shadowed by domestic violence. My parents’ subsequent separation, while necessary, thrust me into an environment where healthy co-parenting was absent, their unresolved conflict casting a long shadow over my formative years. My childhood became a series of hurried transitions to “safe places,” punctuated by the repeated disappointment of male role models who entered and inevitably exited my life. This fostered the deep roots of insecure attachment, leading to abandonment issues. Without a consistent demonstration of healthy love, I was left to piece together its meaning from the distorted images I was shown: alcohol misuse, psychological manipulation, and physical aggression. As Bessel van der Kolk highlights in his book “The Body Keeps the Score,” these early experiences are not just memories but are deeply imprinted in our nervous system. For survivors of childhood trauma, studies have shown a correlation with difficulties in forming healthy adult relationships and an increased risk of revictimization. This can mean a heightened baseline of physiological arousal, making them more susceptible to the stressors of toxic adult relationships. My clients often describe the very physical manifestations of this survival mode:
#1 AWARENESS: The First Crack in the Mirror
The impact of my early trauma, the exposure to domestic abuse, and the insidious nature of narcissistic behaviors have undoubtedly left an indelible mark on my life story. The first flicker of realization that this wasn’t “normal” came through an unexpected encounter with someone outside my immediate circle. Her sheer shock as I recounted my then-husband’s treatment was visceral – a reaction I now recognize in my clients when they begin to articulate the previously normalized horrors they’ve endured. It’s that moment of external validation, like the one Susan experienced when a friend gently pointed out the controlling nature of her partner, that can be the first crack in the mirror of denial. This encounter marked my first experience of a therapeutic-like relationship, a space where I could voice my trauma and allow the darkness I had carried to finally see the light. It was in this open air that understanding began to bloom, a process I now guide my clients through with empathy and care.
The journey to awareness – of every interaction, every choice, both healthy and detrimental – was a long and layered process, unfolding over many therapeutic sessions across years. Revisiting my past, not to dwell in victimhood but to make peace with its impact, brought me closer to my authentic self and created a necessary distance from toxic influences.
#2 FEEL THOSE FEELINGS: Understanding Your Past is Paving Your Future
The awareness those sessions ignited was truly life-altering. Yet, navigating this newfound understanding requires a gentle hand. Allowing yourself to feel the weight of past hurts, to truly realize you deserve so much more than a toxic or narcissistic relationship, can be overwhelming, especially when such behavior has been normalized since childhood. For me, revisiting these experiences unearthed a spectrum of intense emotions: sadness, anger, disbelief, confusion, and profound frustration – a rollercoaster of feelings my clients often describe as they begin to unpack their own histories. Like James, who initially felt only anger towards his abusive parent, only to later uncover layers of sadness and a deep longing for the love he never received. But amidst this turmoil, a new emotion began to surface: gratitude.
In the spaces between therapy sessions, I often sought ways to lessen the immediate pain of my still-toxic environment, where family members continued unhealthy patterns. My nervous system often remained in fight-or-flight, and I instinctively ran – ran from my emotions, ran to the distraction of nights out, the fleeting numbness of alcohol, and the superficial connection of random encounters. In a way, I was “feeling my feelings,” doing what I could with the limited tools I possessed at the time, much like anyone trying to survive difficult circumstances. Looking back, I now understand this chaotic period was an essential, albeit messy, part of my healing journey. For so long, I hadn’t been allowed to simply be and feel. Survival had demanded I button up and shut down. So, the newfound freedom of confronting my childhood on my own terms, however imperfectly, was liberating. I also consciously began practicing gratitude as a way to counter my negative thought patterns, seeking a sense of balance and recognizing my natural empathy. My gratitude practice became a vital tool in moving forward. (You might find my blog post on my journey to gratitude a helpful resource in your own healing practice.) It’s about acknowledging all that has been, all that is, and all that is yet to unfold.
UNDERSTANDING TOXIC/NARCISSISTIC PEOPLE: Recognizing the Red Flags
People from my past, in their own way, have undeniably contributed to the person I am today. However, this understanding does not, in any way, excuse their harmful actions and behaviors towards me. Surviving toxic relationships is an act of strength and resilience, particularly when navigating the manipulative world of a narcissist. They employ a relentless strategy of chipping away at your self-worth, and often escalate their efforts when you attempt to leave. Therefore, proceed with caution, but be vigilant. Here are some easy-to-spot red flags that can indicate you’re dealing with toxic behavior – patterns I’ve seen repeated time and again in the stories my clients share. Take, for instance, the constant blame-shifting that Maria endured, always being held responsible for her partner’s outbursts. Or the subtle erosion of self-esteem that Mark experienced through constant criticism disguised as “helpfulness.” Recognizing these patterns:
- The Blame Game: They rarely, if ever, take responsibility for their actions. Everything is always someone else’s fault, often yours.
- The Charm Offensive (followed by the sting): They can be incredibly charming and charismatic initially, drawing you in, but this often gives way to criticism, put-downs, or controlling behavior.
- Inconsistency: Their words and actions don’t align. They might promise one thing but do another, leaving you feeling confused and questioning your reality.
- Lack of Empathy: They struggle to understand or care about your feelings. Your emotions are often dismissed, minimized, or used against you.
- Need for Control: They try to control aspects of your life – who you see, what you do, how you think. This can start subtly and escalate over time.
- Gaslighting: They distort reality to make you doubt your own sanity and perceptions (“That never happened,” “You’re too sensitive”).
- Playing the Victim: Even when they are clearly in the wrong, they often portray themselves as the victim to gain sympathy and manipulate you.
- Jealousy and Possessiveness: They can be excessively jealous of your other relationships and try to isolate you from friends and family.
- Constant Need for Validation: Despite their often grandiose exterior, they have a deep need for admiration and praise.
If you recognize these patterns in someone’s behavior, especially consistently, it’s a strong indicator of toxicity. Remember, if someone treats anyone poorly, it’s a significant red flag. If they present a charming facade in public but unleash their anger and blame behind closed doors, that is a clear sign.
For more in-depth information, you can explore resources on toxic behaviour you can find a more detailed exploration of these signs in my blog post, Understanding the Red Flags: Identifying Toxic Relationship Patterns, and you can also find valuable resources and support at Refuge and and Relate.
LIVING IN SURVIVAL MODE: The Body’s Unspoken Story
As a Healing and Recovery Practitioner, I see the profound impact of chronic stress and trauma on the body every day. When we are in toxic relationships, especially those that echo early childhood experiences, our nervous system often gets stuck in a state of hyperarousal – a constant “on” switch of fight, flight, or freeze. Bessel van der Kolk’s seminal work, “The Body Keeps the Score,” beautifully illuminates how trauma is not just a psychological experience but is deeply imprinted within our physical being. My clients often describe the very physical manifestations of this survival mode: the persistent tension in Sarah’s shoulders that mirrored her constant anxiety, or the digestive issues that plagued David during periods of intense relational stress. In survival mode, our bodies are constantly scanning for threats, just as they did in those early, unsafe environments:
- Chronic Muscle Tension: You might experience persistent aches and pains, particularly in your neck, shoulders, and back. Your body is bracing for impact, even when there is no immediate danger.
- Sleep Disturbances: Difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep, or waking up feeling unrefreshed are common. Your overactive nervous system struggles to downregulate into a state of rest.
- Digestive Issues: The stress response impacts our gut health, leading to symptoms like irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), bloating, or stomach pain. Resources are diverted away from digestion towards survival.
- Increased Heart Rate and Blood Pressure: Your cardiovascular system is constantly revved up, which can contribute to feelings of anxiety, palpitations, and long-term health risks.
- Hypervigilance: You might find yourself constantly on edge, easily startled, and overly aware of your surroundings, always anticipating potential danger.
- Emotional Reactivity: Your emotional responses can be heightened and more easily triggered. Small things can feel like huge threats, leading to disproportionate reactions.
- Dissociation: As a protective mechanism, your mind might disconnect from your body or your emotions, leading to feelings of numbness, detachment, or a sense of unreality. This can make it difficult to fully feel and process experiences.
- Difficulty Connecting to Your Body’s Signals: You might become less attuned to your body’s subtle cues of hunger, tiredness, or discomfort, as your focus is primarily on survival.
Living in this state of chronic hyperarousal takes a significant toll on both our mental and physical health. It makes it incredibly difficult to be present, to trust, and to connect authentically with ourselves and others. As van der Kolk emphasizes, healing from trauma and toxic relationships involves not just understanding the psychological impact but also addressing the deeply ingrained physical responses. This is why practices that help regulate the nervous system, such as somatic experiencing, yoga, and mindful movement, can be so crucial in the recovery process. Learning to listen to and work with our bodies is a vital step in moving out of survival mode and into a state of safety and well-being.
LEARNING TO SWITCH OFF SURVIVAL MODE: Reclaiming Safety in Your Body and Mind
As we’ve explored, living in a toxic environment, especially one that echoes early trauma, often leaves our nervous system stuck in a state of chronic hyperarousal – survival mode. This constant state of alert, while initially a protective mechanism, becomes deeply ingrained and can significantly impact our physical and emotional well-being long after we’ve left the harmful situation. The good news is that we can learn to gently guide our nervous system back towards a state of safety and regulation. This isn’t an overnight fix, but a gradual process of retraining our bodies and minds.
From my work with clients who have navigated similar experiences, I’ve seen the transformative power of various techniques in downregulating the nervous system and fostering a sense of inner calm. Here are some key approaches we often explore:
- Somatic Awareness: Learning to tune into the sensations in your body is a crucial first step. As Bessel van der Kolk highlights, our bodies hold the story of our trauma. Practices like mindful body scans, noticing areas of tension or ease, and simply paying attention to your breath can begin to reconnect you to your physical self and the subtle cues of your nervous system. For clients like Mark, who had become so disconnected from his body, even a few minutes of focused breathing each day began to create a sense of grounding.
- Mindfulness and Meditation: These practices help to bring your awareness to the present moment, gently guiding you away from the constant scanning for threats that characterizes survival mode. Regular mindfulness can help to calm the racing thoughts and reduce the intensity of emotional reactivity. Even short, consistent practices can make a difference, as Sarah discovered when she started incorporating ten minutes of guided meditation into her morning routine, noticing a gradual decrease in her overall anxiety levels.
- Movement and Body-Based Practices: Engaging in gentle, rhythmic movements like yoga, Tai Chi, or even walking in nature can help to release stored tension and regulate the nervous system. These practices can help to integrate the physical and emotional aspects of trauma. For David, who often felt trapped in his hypervigilance, the fluid movements of yoga provided a sense of release and helped him feel more embodied.
- Safe and Supportive Connections: Building and nurturing relationships where you feel safe, seen, and heard is vital for healing. Our nervous systems co-regulate with others, and positive social engagement can send signals of safety to your brain and body. For Susan, finding a supportive therapy group created a sense of belonging and helped to counteract the isolation she had experienced in her toxic relationship.
- Grounding Techniques: When feeling overwhelmed or triggered, simple grounding techniques can help to bring you back to the present moment. These can include focusing on your five senses (what you see, hear, smell, taste, touch), pressing your feet firmly on the ground, or holding a comforting object. These techniques provide immediate anchors in moments of distress.
Learning to switch off survival mode is about creating new pathways in your brain and new patterns in your body. It requires patience, self-compassion, and often, the guidance of a supportive practitioner. Remember, your body is not your enemy; it is carrying the wisdom of your survival. By gently learning to listen to its signals and providing it with experiences of safety, you can begin to reclaim a sense of calm, presence, and authentic connection to yourself and the world around you.
Moving Towards Hope and Healing
My journey, like the journeys of so many I’ve had the privilege to witness in my practice, demonstrates that while the wounds of the past can run deep, they do not have to define our future. Recognizing the patterns, understanding the impact of trauma on our bodies, and actively learning to switch off that ingrained survival mode are all powerful steps towards healing and building healthier connections. The belief that “all men are the same” is a shield born of pain, but it obscures the possibility of finding genuine connection and respect.
If any part of this resonates with your own experiences, please know that you are not alone, and help is available. Taking the first step towards safety and support can feel daunting, but it is an act of profound courage and self-compassion. It’s important to remember that leaving a toxic or abusive relationship is often a process, not a single event. Research indicates that it can take a woman an average of 7 attempts before she finally leaves an abusive partner for good. This highlights the complexities and dangers involved in extricating oneself from such situations.
If you are currently experiencing domestic abuse or have in the past, please reach out for support. You can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for free and confidential advice on 0808 2000 247. You can also find more information and access a live chat service on their website: https://refuge.org.uk/.
In an emergency, always call 999.
If you are in a position where you are safe and feel like you are ready to start your healing journey, please get in touch. I am happy to offer support and guidance as you navigate the path towards greater well-being and healthier relationships. book here.
Remember, healing is a journey, not a destination. Be patient with yourself, celebrate small victories, and know that a future filled with healthier relationships and a deeper sense of self-worth is absolutely possible.
Your not Meant to Live in Survival Mode
If you’ve recognised patterns of control, confusion, or emotional exhaustion in your relationships- please know, it’s not your fault, and it can be different.
When your ready, I’m here. Book here to talk to me about what your next steps look like.
Sources:
- Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) – Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) Study.
- Refuge – National Domestic Abuse Helpline.
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline.
- Anda, R. F., et al. (1998). Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults. 1 American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 2 14(4), 245-258.
- 1. books.google.com
- books.google.com
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- books.google.com
Felitti, V. J., et al. (1998). Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults. The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 14(4), 245-258..
Written by Tanya Jayne